A weight that I will always carry

So, today is world’s mental health day. All those tweets about that makes me feel like I have to publish this post I have written a while ago. I still feel like this very often, and the hard part is trying not to loose hope, because when I do, things get worse.

July 19th 2016

Today I’ve read a few posts from Screw Taboo’s series about rape. That’s when I realised that I am doomed. I’ll never know what it is to have a normal sex life. I’ve been stolen my first sexual experiences and I’ll never have them back. I was aware of that already but I only realised today that I was going to have to carry this weight for all my life.

I hate the thought that this will always be a part of me.

I’ll never have a normal (healthy) sex life. I can’t even add “ever again”, cause I’ve never had the chance to have one. Unfortunately, that won’t change. It’ll never go away, it is something that I have to carry now, something that is part of me. Maybe I’ll learn to live with it, and maybe one day it’ll only remain as a thing of the past, but for now is right there, present, right next to me every time I have sex and every time I even think about sex. It’s haunting me.

I thought that I was broken, but I’m not. I am not broken; I am living with a trauma. Being broken would mean that something is wrong, but in reality everything’s normal. My reactions are normal, my mood is normal, my thoughts are normal. I wish I was normal but I am. It’s normal for people who has experienced such things, it’s something we now have to live with. Unlike what my boyfriend thinks, I am normal.

The problem with being normal, is I don’t want it. I don’t want to live like that, even if it’s a normal state for a survivor. I want to be fixed even though I am not broken. I want to erase these experiences permanently, to never have lived them. I want to be given the chance to enjoy sex, for once, and I want it to be my normal state.

I am looking into the future and all I can see is myself, still struggling with the same damn issues, and that hurts. All I want is to turn the page, forget about it and have a fresh start, but that’s impossible. It’ll always be a part of me now. When you’ve learned everything wrong from the start, there’s no way you can unlearn, all that’s to learn is how to live with it. Learning new things to try to erase those bad ones can be helpful, but it won’t make these memories go away, ever; They’ll always be a part of me.

For now, all I can do is try to accept that it’s a part of me, that I will always have to carry, yet try not to let it define me.