Guest posts

Guest post: An awful start to life by Alicia (part 1)

Part one

Just to introduce myself I’m a 50 something bi-sexual, trans female, and I would like to share my story with you. Not just about being a trans female but about my past, which has had a massive impact on who I am, and how my life as gone.

To start at the beginning, I suffered childhood abuse; which has had an adverse effect on my sexuality, in that it has left me forever wondering why I find men sexually attractive. Is it because I am a gay man? is it because my earliest and longest running sexual experiences were with men? When I was so young I didn’t even know what sex was; and that it was abuse which I was suffering.

Do I even really like women or is it because I think I should; most of what I feel for women has nothing to do with sex. It’s more to do with realizing, and accepting my trans sexuality, and wanting that shared bond with women, that natural born women have. But there is a desire to feel love with a woman, and to want physical and emotional intimacy, but in a different way to that between a man and a woman; I guess it’s more that I feel lesbian.

It was this that has led me to accept the feelings of being a woman trapped in a man’s body. With help from some dear friends, especially Mamz, I have got as far as accepting the truth of who I am; but my journey has only just begun, and I have no idea of how far it will go.

Sex for me is and always has been about being penetrated, giving sex as a man was never my thing, and I didn’t get this horny young man thing that all my friends had. Perhaps because sex was old hat to me, and something to be avoided anyway, with gay over tones, that I didn’t even dare think of. Homophobia, even if it hadn’t have been abuse, and was teenage gay love would have meant been beaten to a pulp. Things have changed a bit but not that much even now, where I live.

What I want to do first is go back to my younger life, I have said all that I intend to on my childhood experiences; what I do want to talk about is my early 20’s when I experienced something that doesn’t seem to get talked about. And that is a man namely me, being raped by a group of women, and a man “me again” being physically and emotionally abused, by my female partner.

Even before that my fist kiss with a woman, was non consensual; what 20 something guy would have not been kissed or think of a woman laying a kiss on him as non consensual you may be thinking, well remember my childhood. It was a married woman in a pub celebrating her birthday, but it was no quick peck on the cheek. I was pinned with my back to the wall, and forcibly kissed, with no way to stop her, short of hitting her; she was taller than me, and her strength surprised me as much as the kiss.

This set the tone of my young adult life, and followed me through my life.

by Alicia

Read part two