Guest posts

Guest post: Isolated trapped and unloved by Alicia (part 4)

Part four

read part 3 here

I loved her fiercely, and without reserve; they say love is blind, and it’s so true, I think first love is deaf as well. I couldn’t see where I was, and what was happening to me, I couldn’t hear the warnings from others. She was everything to me, and I couldn’t see I was just another toy to play with, something steady between her secret liaisons; which she was not very good at keeping secret. Like arranging for a motorbike policeman to call at her place on certain days when I was always at work, if ever he was passing. Or perhaps fate was at least trying to be on my side, because I was asked to move my day off to that day, and he just happened to turn up that very day.

But I let it go, swallowed her apology; but that was the start of another change in her. Suddenly it was me who was being jealous, and she wouldn’t stand for it. And then she started shouting at me that she shouldn’t have to stand for the things that my family were saying to her, when I wasn’t there. I was furious; because they had been telling me they thought there was something not quite ringing true with her. Now they were attacking her face to face, I set off to go talk to them tell them to back off, and butt out of my life. But she made me swear I would say nothing, as she didn’t want to cause an argument between me, and my parents.

She kept telling me of things my brother had said to a mutual friend, again forbidding me to confront him; and eventually I stopped talking to my family; how blind can a person be?

Now it was just her and me, things were good for a while, then she began just taking sex when ever and where ever it suited her, but usually it was when I was sat on the sofa. There was no kissing, no foreplay, she would unbutton my jeans and get me out, and climb on, we didn’t undress further; when she was done she would just get off me and walk away without a word. The first time the zip on my jeans was tearing at me, so I told her, she went ballistic for a moment then carried on.

This became a regular thing, it was just her taking what she wanted, and me just letting her; but there were still times of loving mutual sex, where I got to get something from it, so I just took it as her being in a bad mood, and let her use me. I hated it, I didn’t want to be treated like that, but some how I always ended believing I had done something to make her angry, so I let her use me that way if it helped her vent. Her stock phrase was if you don’t know what you have done, I’m not telling you.

One day she was angry with me, and I went out into the garden to dig, and vent my frustrations on the borders. One of her girl friends turned up, and they went into the front room to talk; a bit latter I came in for a drink and could hear them talking. “He seems in a bit of a mood” her friend was saying, “oh he’s in the dog house” my girlfriend replied. As the conversation continued I found out I had done nothing wrong, that this “if you don’t know”, thing was just to make me think I had. “You have to keep them under control” My girlfriend finished off, and they just laughed.

I didn’t tell her I had over heard them; I just said that I was sure I had done nothing wrong, but for the first time there was some anger in my voice. She did her come here thing and backhanded me in the groin, but not too hard, but I could feel my face glowing with anger. Then she calmly told me if I ever hit her back she would cut my throat while I was asleep, and if I ever cheated on her she would cut my balls off while I was a sleep. I just laughed at her.

Later I fell asleep on the sofa, she had gone to bed alone. I woke to find her kneeling on my back, pulling my head back by my hair with one hand, the carving knife under my chin. She started to pull the knife across my throat, I screamed; and I heard her saying “so you don’t believe I would do this”. I passed out, fainted what ever you want to call it; she must have had the back of the knife to my throat, because I woke latter, still on the sofa, the lights turned off.

by Alicia

  • Aurora Glory

    Such brave and beautifully written posts!