Posts

Sex toys and trauma: How discovering sex toys has helped me getting over my sexual block

My boyfriend was the first to introduce me to sex toys. He offered to buy me an insertable toy so he could use it while giving me oral, hoping that I’d get used to being penetrated. He had me chose what I wanted, and I went for a rabbit vibrator because I liked the idea of having external and internal stimulation at the same time. We bought a few toys along with it but we never would’ve thought it would become an addiction.

After trying many toys, I now know that my favourite type of toys is dildos, and that I’m not as much into rabbits than what I thought. I had never had any interest in penetration so I never wouldn’t have thought that dildos would do anything good for me, but I was wrong, and I never would’ve known that if I did not explore with sex toys to discover what I like. This will sound very cliché, but discovering what you like is a really important aspect  to a satisfying love life.

People usually associate sex toys with masturbation, and they’re right. It’s not the only way they can be used, but they’re so helpful and how great to use that way. I’ve barely ever masturbated before getting my first toys, and I was missing out. Masturbating has been a great way for me to regain my sexual freedom, because when I am masturbating, I am giving pleasure to myself, and myself only. I am the one enjoying it, and I don’t have to worry about my partner. In fact, thinking about my partner’s pleasure was causing a big block for me during sex, because I would feel like if he was enjoying it more than me, I was being used. Conversely when I masturbate, there is no gap and no pressure; there is only pleasure.

Using sex toys with a partner has also been of great help. In a similar way than when using toys alone, it guarantees that I am having lots of pleasure and that it’s all about me. In addition, toys can’t feel anything, so there’s no worry to be had about being used or not enjoying it as much as my partner. It also allows him to learn what I like, the same way than when I am using the toy on my own. Another advantage of using toys with a partner is it adds diversity. With my past experience, I found myself wanting to get as far as possible from what is considered to be “normal sex”, and introducing toys in the bedroom has been a great way to do so.

Lubricant

Ok, lube is not a sex toy, but it is so much important! I started using lubricant back when sex was painful. Even if you think you don’t need it, lube makes everything so much more enjoyable. The most important aspect to me is it prevents any discomfort that could occur during penetration (unless I am using some type of lube that is irritant). Knowing that, my mind can relax and I can stop wondering about if sex is going to be painful. That alone has played an important part in stopping the cycle of painful sex.

Clitoral vibrators

Clitoral vibrators have helped me discovering my body, but also reaching satisfaction. With satisfaction comes the feeling that I can actually get something out of sex, and that it’s not only to be enjoyed by my partner. Clitoral vibrators have also been very useful the few times that I’ve felt ready for penetration, because it made the whole experience feel better. Also, during penetration, stimulation my clit using my fingers has never done much for me, as my clitoris kind of just retracts, and, in a result, I can barely feel anything from it. However, when using a vibrator, it’s the opposite. I can feel the vibrations and the stimulation makes me more aroused, making penetration more enjoyable.

Dildos

Dildos are probably the kind of toys which have been the most helpful to me. As previously mentioned, I’ve never really appreciated penetration and never have thought it was something for me. Consequently, I never would’ve expected dildos to be my favourite kind of toys. Surprisingly, I use them on my own and I really like them as they provide me better orgasms than clitoral stimulation alone.

Using dildos on my own has allowed me to [re]discover penetration by myself, without having someone else steal all the pleasure from me. It’s also allowed me to do it without the pressure that I must like it, which is now a frequent thing with my partner. When I am alone, I have the right to like it or not, which something that I had never felt with anyone else until recently. In sum, this means when I am using dildos to masturbate,  I can enjoy penetration without feeling threatened.

Using dildos with my partner instead of his penis has not been successful yet because I wasn’t ready for it until very recently, plus he doesn’t know how to use a dildo on me. However, I now wish to start going forward with this. We are going to start with me, using one in front of him to show him how I like it. To me it is part of the progression between using dildos alone and having penetrative sex with my partner, when, and if, I ever feel like it in the future. It will allow me to feel pleasure from penetration and feeling a bond with the person I love, without the fear of being used. I hope that when we’re there, I can finally associate penetration with love.

Anal toys

My boyfriend has always been willing to try anal sex but I have not. However, I got curious about it when I got my first anal toy for free so I tried it on my own and actually enjoyed it very much. Exploring with anal toys helped me to understand that anal sex is not only pleasurable for the giver, and that it is something that I could actually enjoy myself. In addition, as I had never tried anything related to anal with previous partners, it is something that I associate exclusively to my current boyfriend, so it kind of offered me a new start. Discovering something new sexually and doing it with someone who is not abusive to me is a big step towards healing, as I’ve learned almost everything else I know about sex from abuse.

Bondage

Another one that is not a toy. I am not a bondage expert, but bondage as it is to me is one of the most promising therapies. A lot of people have misconceptions about bondage and think it is about wearing leather, dominating your partner, and freely hurting them. For me, it is all about trust and giving/taking control. When my partner ties me up, it is because I have allowed him to do so in the first place. If I do allow such a thing, it is because I fully trust him and agree on giving him absolute control. I trust that he is not going to do something that is a hard limit for me, and he trusts that he can do what he wants and that I am consenting to it as long as I am not using my safe word.

In the past, I’ve always had control taken from me. Then, I got with my current boyfriend and realized that something was wrong. From then I started overthinking everything and trying to have control on everything that happened. My boyfriend also started to worry about his performance because he could see that I was unsatisfied from my lack of control over my own pleasure, and he took responsibility for it. In sum, we both were overthinking everything. When I allow him to tie me up, he knows that I am ok with it and can stop worrying about me not liking what he is doing. That is because by asking him to tie me up, it also lets him do whatever he wants to me, as long as it’s not something we previously agreed on not doing, without worrying that I may not be ok with it.

When it’s me tying him up, I can finally have total control over what is happening. I can give pleasure to him in the way I intend to, and if I do want to, instead of having it taken from me. I am finally the one who has power over our sex life and I enjoy finally playing that role.

 —

Was this article inspiring to you? Has sex toys been helpful to you too? Let me know in the comments bellow!