Read part two here
I should have seen the signs from the beginning, but this was my first relationship; it was all about sex with her, from that first dance, where it was her pushing my hands down onto her bum. I liked it that she was in control all the time, for two reasons, one being that I had been used to being the one told what to do, two that I was 22 and had never even kissed a women before, and didn’t know what to do, how to behave with a woman. She took everything to do with us, into her hands, I didn’t have to worry that I had no idea what to do; it felt right, and proper. I had avoided any kind of contact with women, because I felt dirty and used; my first contact with a woman was not even my doing, I didn’t respond to it, it was forcibly done to me; remember the woman in the bar! That to me was not my first kiss though.
I see now that it’s not the way things usually go between a man and a woman; I think even these days most women still love to be with a strong confident man, who will take control, but still leave her feeling safe. That was what I wanted, and was one of the first signs that I wasn’t a man; but that’s something to go into at another time. The crucial difference for me was that I was soon not feeling safe, but it was too late for me to really see that for myself.
We never went out on dates, after our first meeting; she just wanted to have sex, and I went along with it. Mates would ask where I had taken her on dates, and all I could say was, we stayed in at her place, which got the typical male response. I started to want to do other things together, to go out, so I would arrange things and when I told her what it was, and where we would be going, she would cry off, and seduce me to change my mind.
So I made secret plans to drive to another city, but when we got there she said we are not going to Romeos club are we, so that was scrapped too.
She would always play squash with her best friend on Saturdays when I was at work, one day my boss announced that I would be getting every other Saturday off; so I went to surprise her at the sports centre, and go watch her play. When I got to the balcony above the courts there was a group of men hanging over it, shouting sexual comments to the players below, it turned out to be my girlfriend and her friend, kissing and groping each other for all to see. I left and said nothing to her latter, I felt sick and numb, that she would do that, but I just pretended to myself that I hadn’t seen it; there followed a number of other such incidents with men, that I caught her in. Including her regular trips to Romeos club, where I found out she would spend the night throwing her self at men.
Then one day she announced that she thought I was just using her for sex, and that she wanted to stop having sex for 6 months to prove I wasn’t. I told her that she was wrong, but I would go along with the no sex thing. “ I was joking”, she said, and that I hadn’t reacted the way she thought I should have. I was so upset with her, I knew she was cheating on me, and she had pulled this stunt on me. I just broke down tears streaming from my eyes, in silent pain (I couldn’t cry out loud, another story for latter).
She decide to go the seduce me to bed route again, but I just kept pushing her away, but she wouldn’t give in; she started to kiss me, then unbutton me, all the time I was pushing her away, with eyes ever more full of tears. It didn’t stop, eventually I laid back, the tears stopping even as she climbed on to me; that was the first time she raped me. But I didn’t see that, all I saw was that I had let her have sex, when I didn’t want her to even touch me, I felt sick, but with myself not her! I stayed with her.