Here’s my story. I am telling it because it will set the mood for all my other blog posts.
It all started with my first serious relationship. The guy was 3 years older than me, and at the time it was a significant difference. The relationship started with him pressuring me to date him. He would touch me and grab my boobs as we kissed when I hadn’t experienced something like that ever before, and even though we weren’t even together. After we got together, he kept pressuring me, but this time it was so I would have sex with him. I wasn’t ready for that and wasn’t even thinking about sex before I was with him. He would touch me in places I had never been touched before and I didn’t especially like it, but I was never saying “no”, except for penetration.
Everyone, even my parents were saying things meaning that I should be having sex with him. They were all assuming that I was, and to me, that meant that I was late and should be having sex at my age. Even before that, the opinion of others had always put some kind of pressure on me. For example, I remember dating a guy only because they were two who where into me and my friends made me feel like I had to choose in between them.
I finally gave in and had sex with that guy. I don’t even call him “my ex boyfriend” in that text as it feels too much like he was a human being, but he was a kid. He wouldn’t understand no and take it as an answer, so I ended up feeling like I owed him sex. Our first time wasn’t great at all. I had told him I was ready. I was not, but I though I was as all that external pressure had me thinking “ok, so it’s time to be ready now”. After I told him I was ready to have penis in vagina sex with him, we kissed and got in the mood. I was so nervous that my vagina was really tight and not lubricated at all, but he never gave a shit about that. We had trouble inserting his penis, and when we finally managed to, it was painful. Luckily, it only lasted a few minutes before he came. Afterwards, he did apologies saying “sorry I came so early, it’s because I had never been able to come while having sex so I just let it go when I felt I was about to”. Then he asked if I liked it, and I said yes even though I had hated it.
Never was he concerned about how I felt. He only wanted to convince me to have sex, and after I finally gave up to his never-ending pleading, he couldn’t care less if I was aroused or having fun, all he cared about was him.
We only had sex once before I had a block. I just stopped “loving” him – or feeling attracted or being interested in dating him, because it was not love. I broke up with him and turned the page as quick as that.
I then started dating a guy my age whom was adorable. He too was assuming that, because I had dated a guy older for a few months I had became a sex expert. He was my age and had never had sex before. All that means that he was a bit awkward and clumsy when he first tried to touch me, and I did not want to initiate sex myself. So after he tried to touch me, I just blocked again and broke up with him.
Then, the worst happened. I started dating some guy. I’d have so much to say about him to set the story. He was broken, so depressed, with absolutely no self-confidence. On top of that, he was addicted to porn and sex. For about four months I was constantly turning down sex, telling him I didn’t want to do anything with him yet and that I wasn’t ready. The problem is he wouldn’t take no for an answer, and just like my first, he would just keep insisting and pressuring me into it.
After a while, some of my friends started slipping some hints about how I wouldn’t have sex with my boyfriend. Obviously, it all sounded like it was something I owed him. I finally gave in when my younger sister made fun of me for not having sex with my boyfriend. It hit me straight in my ego. If everyone was thinking that I had to give sex to my boyfriend, even my sister, then it meant that I had too, and that I had no right to say no.
After our first time, I wasn’t allowed to say no anymore. When I did, he would keep coercing me into it until I just gave up and said yes. It was even worse now that I had given him sex once. From that point I simply allowed him to take me anytime he wanted.
And as if things couldn’t have been worse, sex was painful, but even when I mentioned it, I had to endure it until he was done. If it was so painful that I couldn’t take it, we would stop and he would throw a fit because I did not make him cum. He never ever physically pressured me into sex, but he sure was doing it psychologically. Manipulation and coercion was the main aspect of our sex life. To add to this, the whole relationship was also psychologically abusive. This part was however easier for me to deal with.
I stayed with him for one year and a half. After all that time, it was just ingrained into me, it had become a part of me. I did not need to me forced anymore because I knew I had no other choice but to let it be done.
After that I got with my current boyfriend, who is lovely. He is simply the perfect guy. The problem did not end there though. As I had been taught that my consent didn’t matter, I was giving him sex every time he wanted, even when I did not feel like it. He had no Idea that I hated sex with him, and that I had hated sex all my life. Sex was painful but to me it was normal. I though that as a girl, I was not entitled to like sex, that it was only for men, and that my sex life had to be all around a men’s pleasure. After a while, my boyfriend had me realize that I too should be enjoying sex, and that the fact that I hated it was not normal. From there, it was just a crash down. I tried to take control of my sexuality but it just never was successful and I got so depressed that I thought that I’d rather kill myself than not being able to take control of my sex life and live it for myself.
I got to a point when I though my boyfriend was unconsciously manipulating me to have sex. I was so paranoid that I was avoiding seeing him. All that I had learned through those years, without realizing it, was coming up clear, only I didn’t see it myself. I was feeling so bad that I had no choice but to seek professional help. I went to see a psychiatrist and a sex psychiatrist and I was referred to a physiotherapist who specializes in PC muscles. After a lot of work, I’m finally free from painful sex, and I finally see my boyfriend as he is, honest and non-threatening. I am slowly regaining control of my sexuality and learning how to be happy in a sexual relationship. However, I still have a long way to go and that’s what this blog is all about.